Should we stay together or go our separate ways?

Couples often seek therapy in the hope of answering this question. They’ve often gone through months or even years of confusion in their search to finding an answer to this very question. In therapy they begin to discover that the question is very much a reflection of a deeper inquiry.

My aim is to guide couples to slow down and explore the real reasons behind this question without rushing to make a permanent decision. Quite often couples are trying to avoid the discomfort of the unknown, yet I see this discomfort as an opportunity to stay long enough to really understand the conflict, listen, reflect and communicate.

The question is not just about the relationship itself, it’s about how we can trust the other person to see, accept, and love us as we are – something that can be very difficult in the aftermath of our individual pasts.

It’s about emotional safety, is it safe to be vulnerable? Questions we must ask ourselves are, can I rely on you to be there for me when I am vulnerable? Can I trust you will be there to hold me in your love?

Our early attachment patterns shape our capacity to trust, especially if there has been abandonment wounding or pain. So, the question becomes about whether I can trust love after I’ve experienced this pain? Can love feel stable and secure after what I have gone through? Can I allow my partner to be a source of healing and not traumatization? Am I worthy now of feeling and taking in this love?

Esther Perel summarizes this well by asking couples ‘Can this relationship heal the wounds, or does it repeat them?’ How are you showing up to each other, can you both help each other to heal?

In summary, the question couples often ask is not about the binary of "stay or leave," but about whether they can create a safe emotional space to truly connect and trust each other’s love, especially in the context of past trauma.

Answers to the deeper questions helps a couple to understand whether the relationship can have the potential to evolve or if healing needs to happen separately. If both partners acknowledge the deeper sources of their pain, such as childhood trauma or attachment wounds etc and they are wiling to do the work, the relationship may still have the potential to transform.

However, if one or both partners cannot fully engage with the healing process – whether being too afraid, too hurt etc then it may be time to acknowledge that the relationship cannot continue in its current form. If staying together means staying stuck and hurting each other, where both partners are not in a place to show up for each other, it might be time for each to have the space to heal individually.

Jayne Wynne. Individuals & Couples Psychotherapy. Exeter and Online